Thursday, December 22, 2011
clearly you think this movie is funny, christmas cookie. you know how i know? because you KEEP SAYING SO IN THE MIDDLE OF THE MOTHERFUCKING MOVIE THEATER. "this movie is hilarious." "omg, this is so funny." didn't you watch the part in the beginning where the popcorn told you to shut the fuck up?
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
unless you're the mothereffing big bad wolf, don't huff and puff at me. clearly i can't move any faster because there is literally A WALL OF PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME. if you weren't so busy being passive aggressive, you'd have noticed ALL OF THE PEOPLE.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Friday, December 9, 2011
the waiter seating us next to each other, practically on each other's laps, isn't my fault. i don't even know you. so stop pretending like we're friends, asking me how my meal is, and telling me the guy you're with is a "friend from new york" and "not a boyfriend." it's awkward.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
i'm not digging through this sale rack for my fucking health; i'm digging through because everything is 50% off. can you wait one stupid minute for me to move over before you shove your scrawny self into where i'm standing? this sale rack is meant to be shared. move your skinny arms out of my way, before i take this hanger and smack you in the head with it.
Friday, December 2, 2011
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
do you know why you tripped up the stairs at the train station? because you're an overachieving douchebag. only overachieving douchebags walk up those million steps at 8 a.m., rather than take the escalator.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
there aren't too many perks to flying southwest airlines. so when i get on the plane and get a window seat and there doesn't seem to be too many other people boarding, what on earth would make you think that sitting DIRECTLY NEXT TO ME is the proper use of space? don't you know the rules? i sit by the window, you sit by the aisle, and we leave the middle open! the middle seat stays open until the last minute!
Monday, November 28, 2011
i understand that you hate being at this communal table, but please know that EVERYBODY hates being at this communal table. shut the fuck up and find something not complainy to talk about, all passive aggressively and loud.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Monday, November 21, 2011
Friday, November 18, 2011
i see right through you, you slut. i'm not fooled by your cutesy facebook status updates ("in a perfect world we'd all get what we want all the time. then we'd complain about it, LOL :)"). your smiley emoticons do nothing to hide your true, asshole self.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
how in the actual fuck do you think you can fit onto this bus that already has 400 people in it? you're carrying a ginormous purse and pushing a STROLLER. you're taking up more room than those seven hipsters at the front of the bus. wait for the next one!
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Friday, November 11, 2011
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Monday, November 7, 2011
ewww, could you wipe the treadmill after you're done using it? it looks like a fucking water balloon filled with sweat exploded all over this thing. there are paper towel dispensers on every single wall in this stupid germ-infested gym. use one. or 12.
Friday, November 4, 2011
in order to get by me, you had two options: politely say excuse me, or shove past like a fat little bulldozer. clearly you chose the more annoying of the two options, or i wouldn't be writing this.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
listen, lady: people understand how empty seats on the bus work. if they want to sit, they'll fucking sit. you don't have to keep patting the empty seat next to you to let them know that they can fucking sit. they're not blind.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
just because a costume exists in the universe does not mean you need to make it sexy. i get that you're probably not actually a slut, and this is the one time a year that you can show off your body or whatever, but "sexy spongebob" and "sexy sea turtle" aren't actually things. it's really weird.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
look, doucheface, we're all annoyed that this line is 10 miles long. and i get that your children are annoying. but being a loud ass bitch and pretending to offer your kids to everyone who passes by isn't actually that funny. it's lame. and in 10 years, they're going to need therapy, so suck on that.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
i'm swatting away at my arm, as though i'm surrounded by mosquitoes, when i notice that it's your long ass fucking hair brushing up against me. your stranger hair just molested my arm. you'd better figure out how to get it off me in a hurry, or i'm going to put on some gloves and rip it out.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Monday, October 24, 2011
Friday, October 21, 2011
did you go to elementary school for even 1 second? why don't you know the difference between your and you're? that's like, remedial life 101. i suggest you commit it to memory, like all the other third-graders in the universe.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
god why are you making out with each other all sensually like that? you're on a train, standing, with a million people around you. have some dignity and quit making me vomit all over the guy next to me.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
i really, really need you to not stand right there because you're definitely standing way too close. you aren't just in my comfort zone, but you are actually setting up camp within my comfort zone. like, with a sleeping bag and baked beans and a guitar and campfire songs. i hate it.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Friday, October 14, 2011
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
this is the meat counter at safeway. this isn't a fucking one-on-one session with a personal chef. why would the guy behind the counter know anything about anything other than meat? if you want gourmet, go to whole foods.
Monday, October 10, 2011
Friday, October 7, 2011
Thursday, October 6, 2011
remember when you called me last week and i said i wasn't interested in buying whatever it was you were trying to sell me? why are you acting surprised when i'm telling you the same thing today? take me off your fucking list, and stop calling me.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
stop acting too cool for this train and like everyone is in your way, because your headphones aren't that great, and i can hear that you're listening to destiny's child. DESTINY'S CHILD.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Monday, October 3, 2011
dear sir, just because san francisco does not have a law against public nudity, does not mean that your body is all of a sudden a wonderland for all to behold. for the love of god, put some fucking pants on.
Friday, September 30, 2011
here's a quick lesson in parking etiquette, dickface: if you're standing around your car, and it's unclear that you just got there, and i'm sitting in my car with the blinker on, it wouldn't kill you to wave and let me know you're not leaving. don't just stand there looking at me like a piece of shit, while you talk to your friends and put crap in the trunk. that's how tires get slashed.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
you do realize that you're living in an apartment building and there is an apartment below you, right? you don't? well that's fucking obvious, by the way you stomp around all the time. i don't get how your ankles aren't broken by now. it sounds like you're trying to kick a hole through the floor.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
i get it that you're a tourist and you don't get how to move and walk and not be in my way, but if you can do that without being a complete dick about it, i wouldn't hate you as much.