Friday, July 29, 2011
your new roommate is moving in this weekend, and she's trying to catch a cab to the place she's staying in the meantime. offering to drive her is a nice gesture. offering to drive her three blocks to catch a bus is ridiculous. why do you even try, awesome blossom?
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
i get that you're new to public transportation. the bewildered look on your face gave it away. but if you see a whole line of people doing one thing, like not blocking the left side of the escalator, do me a favor: don't block the left side of the escalator. it makes me hate you.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
you know what helps in a crisis situation, such as moving to a new house? providing beer. ordering us a pizza. unpacking a box. you know what doesn't help? you telling me about how the 2 hours the movers are here are going to fly by and we should help by carrying boxes to the blanket you spread out on the driveway. they don't want our help. and i don't want your help, dummy.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
look, the bus driver will open the door for you if you somehow couldn't manage to figure out where your stupid stop is. all you have to do is politely say, "back door." you don't have to shout like a lunatic and wave your hands around. fine. you almost missed your stop. that doesn't mean you have to act like a moron.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
how do you think bills get paid around here, pork chop? you think they just get taken by the bill fairy and she magic wands them and pg&e and comcast are like, "wow thanks!"? no, you motherfucker. *i* pay the bills and *i* make sure they get out on time. *me.* i'm the bill fairy. that's why i ask you to write me a check every month. i'm not just taking your money. use your stupid brain for once.
Monday, July 18, 2011
in order to get to talk to you about anything regarding my anything, i have to confirm at least 12 different ways to get a hold of me, plus my social security number and birthday. so if my payment didn't go through because you have the wrong account number, you couldn't contact me? what. the. eff. then you have the nerve to tell me that you don't have the right account number, maybe because "someone typed it in wrong." really? you're going to charge me a late payment because someone can't type? i hate your face.
Friday, July 15, 2011
we are all at a club. we are all drunk. if i look over and say "you're a great dancer!" and i'm smiling, chances are i'm not making fun of you. stop preaching to me about how "we're all in the same family." i'm not your fucking family, and i'm not your fucking enemy. the only enemy you have is the person who let you leave the house wearing that outfit.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Monday, July 11, 2011
Friday, July 8, 2011
why aren't my clothes good enough for you to buy for your lame hipster "thrift" store? and why the attitude about it? did my gap jeans insult you? it's not like you're giving me millions for this shit. i'm lucky if i leave here with $20. cut me some slack.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
have you ever heard of cling wrap? it's what you put on bowls that are full of leftovers in the fridge. covering your bowl with another plate is not only idiotic, but a waste of a plate. in what universe is that even a good idea?
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
this self-checkout thing is bullshit. if the store employee has to keep running to my self-checkout lane every second to override some other nonsense, then i might as well have just gone to a normal checkout line. what the fuck.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
do you see that we are sitting on bleachers? do you see that there is something happening in the field in front of us? that's because we're at a baseball game, not a fucking county fair. stop getting up every minute to get something else to eat. and where did you find that funnel cake, anyway?