Wednesday, November 30, 2011

you got what you deserve, shrimp cocktail.

do you know why you tripped up the stairs at the train station? because you're an overachieving douchebag. only overachieving douchebags walk up those million steps at 8 a.m., rather than take the escalator.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

why why why why, pretzels?

there aren't too many perks to flying southwest airlines. so when i get on the plane and get a window seat and there doesn't seem to be too many other people boarding, what on earth would make you think that sitting DIRECTLY NEXT TO ME is the proper use of space? don't you know the rules? i sit by the window, you sit by the aisle, and we leave the middle open! the middle seat stays open until the last minute!

Monday, November 28, 2011

move your arms, schnitzel.

i understand that you hate being at this communal table, but please know that EVERYBODY hates being at this communal table. shut the fuck up and find something not complainy to talk about, all passive aggressively and loud.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

it's that time of year, turkey.

put your food issues aside, and celebrate overeating. happy thanksgiving, everyone!

Monday, November 21, 2011

don't take it personally, chicken cordon bleu.

your breath makes me want to vom. go pop a tic-tac and then come back and talk to me.

Friday, November 18, 2011

ouch, wasabi peas.

i see right through you, you slut. i'm not fooled by your cutesy facebook status updates ("in a perfect world we'd all get what we want all the time. then we'd complain about it, LOL :)"). your smiley emoticons do nothing to hide your true, asshole self.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

i can't, pork chops and apple sauce.

how in the actual fuck do you think you can fit onto this bus that already has 400 people in it? you're carrying a ginormous purse and pushing a STROLLER. you're taking up more room than those seven hipsters at the front of the bus. wait for the next one!

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

welcome to how the world works, sourdough jack.

if i text you, don't call me back. if i wanted to actually talk to your voice, i would've called you in the first place.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

yuck gross, chicken noodle soup.

maybe it's time you learned how to cover your mouth when you cough and sneeze? you're only probably in your 50s. it's never too late to learn something as stupidly easy and obvious as that.

Friday, November 11, 2011

it's bad, fried chicken and doughnuts.

stop looking at me all creepy, you greaseball. trust, there's nothing under the 10 layers i'm wearing that you want or that wants you back.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

oh my, big mac.

i see how you work, you evil temptress. just when i think i'm out of your grasp, you sneak back into my thoughts and recapture my heart. well, you win this time. but know that i'm onto you.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

not so fast, turkey sandwich.

don't let people walk all over you, turkey sandwich. stand up for yourself every once in a while. nobody likes a doormat.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

why, thank you, chickpea salad.

your mom really raised you right. it was so polite of you to hold the door open for me as we walked into the building. especially seeing as how i was RIGHT behind you. thanks!

Monday, November 7, 2011

were you raised in a barn, gatorade?

ewww, could you wipe the treadmill after you're done using it? it looks like a fucking water balloon filled with sweat exploded all over this thing. there are paper towel dispensers on every single wall in this stupid germ-infested gym. use one. or 12.

Friday, November 4, 2011

i can't believe how rude you are, buttered roll.

in order to get by me, you had two options: politely say excuse me, or shove past like a fat little bulldozer. clearly you chose the more annoying of the two options, or i wouldn't be writing this.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

stand back, hot pocket.

you're literally standing so close, that if you moved your leg even 1 millimeter, you'd be sharing my pants with me. and that's not a good thing.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

just stop it, potstickers.

listen, lady: people understand how empty seats on the bus work. if they want to sit, they'll fucking sit. you don't have to keep patting the empty seat next to you to let them know that they can fucking sit. they're not blind.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

i don't even know what you're supposed to be, vodka cranberry.

just because a costume exists in the universe does not mean you need to make it sexy. i get that you're probably not actually a slut, and this is the one time a year that you can show off your body or whatever, but "sexy spongebob" and "sexy sea turtle" aren't actually things. it's really weird.